Master Self-Regulation

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Have you ever felt your heart race and your breath quicken in a stressful situation, unable to calm down? Or found yourself snapping at someone you care about, only to regret it moments later? These moments are signs that your nervous system has shifted into “fight or flight” mode, and without effective self-regulation strategies, you can find yourself overwhelmed and emotionally drained. On a recent DOAC podcast Dr. Joe Dispenza talked about the fact that as humans, we all react. “But for how long?” was his question. How long do we let our emotions and stress get the best of us, before we regain control?

Here’s the good news: mastering self-regulation can transform how you handle stress, improve your relationships, and even boost your overall well-being, and it doesn’t take long to learn. Once you get these strategies down, you’ll still react, but you’ll regain emotional control much more quickly. Then, you can CHOOSE whether to stay amped or frustrated or angry or sad.  You’ll have emotional freedom.

The Power of Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in ways that align with your goals and values. It’s what allows you to stay calm in a heated conversation, refocus after a setback, and remain composed under pressure when you choose to.

When you strengthen your self-regulation skills, you can:

• Reduce anxiety and overwhelm
• Improve focus and mental clarity
• Foster better relationships
• Make healthier decisions under stress

But mastering this skill starts with recognizing what triggers your stress response.  First you have to become aware, so that you can take control.

Step one: Identifying Your Triggers

Understanding what sets you off is key. Triggers can be physical, mental, or emotional and very often coming from your environment.  While the factors may be coming from your environment, you have to realize the triggers are IN you. For example, imagine a scenario where someone walking past you drops a glass of water that spills up on you.  You could react in a number of ways. You could get angry that you are now wet. You could feel sorry for the person who just had a clumsy accident. You could laugh because it’s such an odd thing to happen. You could react in a number of ways, all depending on your internal triggers.

Here are examples of the types of triggers:

• Physical Triggers: Hunger, fatigue, pain, or hormonal shifts can increase irritability and reduce your ability to think clearly.
• Mental Triggers: Negative thought patterns, self-doubt, or mental overload (aka overwhelm) can heighten your stress response.
• Emotional Triggers: Past traumas, unresolved emotional wounds, or interpersonal conflicts can stir strong reactions.

What you can do. Awareness is the first key step. Spend a few days tracking your emotional responses. Each time you feel anxious, angry, or upset, write down what happened just before those feelings arose. Patterns will emerge, helping you identify common triggers.

For example, a client I worked with, let’s call her “Sarah,” noticed she would get nervous and begin to self-doubt herself whenever she had a meeting with a certain leader. Recognizing this helped her develop a strategy to pause and reset before those meetings to put herself in a state where she didn’t get intimidated by this leader.  After a while, she no longer got nervous, and even better, the relationship with that leader improved because she wasn’t giving off frantic nervous energy. Instead, this leader saw her as a valuable member of the team.

Step 2: Interrupt the Pattern

Once you recognize your triggers, the next step is to break the automatic reaction cycle. This requires creating a mental pause — a moment to step back before reacting. For example, one thing Sarah did before her meetings with this person was to take a few minutes to shake off the nerves and do some deep breathing. This helped her come into the meeting in a different, more calm and relaxed state.

Step 3: Build Long-Term Resilience

Interrupting stress in the moment is powerful, but building resilience is what keeps your nervous system stable in the long run.  As you practice interrupting these patterns, you’ll automatically be able to do this when stressful things come up without having to think about identifying and pausing. You start to automatically do this.

Practical Techniques to Regain Control

When you notice yourself becoming triggered, try one of these techniques:

• Name It to Tame It: When overwhelmed, simply naming your emotion (“I’m feeling frustrated”) activates the brain’s rational center, giving you more control. You go from the amygdala (the reptilian part of your brain that sees danger) and move into the prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain that can solve problems).
• Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts. Repeat until your mind feels calmer. This breathing is often taught in the military because it works so well.
• 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This anchors you in the present moment and brings you back to the present environment. Bonus points if you experience joy or gratitude about any of the things you name.
• The “Psychological Sigh”: This type of breathwork, also known as the “physiological sigh” or “double inhale,” is a breathing technique involving two quick inhales followed by a long exhale, often used to reduce stress and anxiety by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Practicing this or any kind of breath control when you’re calm helps your body remember these techniques in moments of stress.
• Movement: Regular exercise releases endorphins and keeps your nervous system balanced. Try going for a short ten-minute walk after a frustrating situation and notice how the movement helps you literally “move past” that scenario.  I often find I also get clearer, and problem solve better during and after a walk.
• Journaling: Writing down your thoughts helps you process emotions rather than suppress them.  A lot of people roll their eyes when they hear “journaling,” but by writing down what you feel in the moment, it enables you to come back later and see it with a different perspective. It can give you great insight.
• Connection: Regularly connecting with supportive friends or family members provides a buffer against stress.  Why is that?  Well, we are tribal animals, wired for connection. Evolutionarily, if we were left alone in the wilderness, our chance of survival, especially as a young child, would be almost zero. By sharing our concerns and struggles, it does a few things (1) helps us realize we are not alone, (2) gives us encouragement to get through hard times, and (3) gives us confidence, knowing that even when things are hard, we have people who care about us.

“Sarah” used a combination of these things. She started using box breathing the moment she felt her anxiety spike at work. This short pause helped her respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally when she went into the meeting. Additionally, she often went for a walk before meeting with this person and also shared her concerns with me, her coach. As a result, she started to notice fewer emotional triggers and a greater sense of calm, even in challenging moments with this person.

Why This Matters

When you build self-regulation skills, you become the calm in the storm rather than being swept away by it. You gain control over your reactions, allowing yourself to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. This shift doesn’t just benefit you, it positively impacts your work performance, your relationships, and overall sense of peace.

Your Challenge for This Week

Identify one common trigger in your life. When it appears, practice a calming technique like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding. Then reflect on how this new approach changes your experience.

By taking control of your responses, you’re not just reducing stress, you’re empowering yourself to live with greater calm, clarity, and confidence. Try it and let me know what you notice!

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And if you are too burned out and overwhelmed to even begin to use any of these strategies it might be time to get some help. Find a coach, therapist, or doctor who can help you reverse out of the physical, mental, and emotional symptoms of burnout so you can get back to living in life you love.

Remember, Self-care isn’t selfish…it’s required!

Yvonne Lee-Hawkins, IPHM, is a holistic Leadership and Wellness coach, stress strategist, and writer, who spent 20 years in corporate and leadership functions. When she is not working, she loves to go on nature adventures with her family, in the Pacific Northwest where they call home. You can find out more on her website, or follow her on LinkedIn, Medium, or Instagram.

If you want some help regulating yourself better, or with general wellness, schedule a call here. 

Lastly, sharing is caring. If you know someone who would benefit from this, please share it with them!