Have you ever been really excited about something, jumped in head first, but as the thing progressed you found yourself procrastinating or even avoiding it? Or have you ever thought, ‘I’d really love to do that,’ but then didn’t even try because you didn’t know where to start? I know I have (she says pointing at the pile of unfinished pet projects, ideas, or new life passions). I was recently a guest speaker, sharing my personal story of overcoming fear and Imposter syndrome at a cool Seattle venue called the Riveter. What stood out to me is the women who approached me afterwards who shared similar feelings and experiences in their own lives. I thought, “We need to be talking about this more!”

When you lose steam on a project, or worse, don’t even start the thing that you really want to do, what might be happening to you is that perfectionism is holding you back. And you are not alone. According to the Harvard Business Review (HBR), perfectionism is on the rise. One way to help with this problem is to be talking about it more openly and finding ways to help us overcome it. I’ll give you my personal approach and it’s as easy as going to the spa.

So what is perfectionism, and how is it holding you back?

According to Psychology Today (PT) “Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks” that leads to unhappiness. It’s that thing that you do when you see every flaw in the presentation you just gave, and not the fact that you got the funding on that new project. It’s holding you back because your expectations of perfection are unrealistic. Nothing is ever perfect anyway. Another article in Psychology Today (PT), points out that “even though perfectionists are often high-achievers, they are also at risk for eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, divorce, and suicide.” Yikes! It goes on to say that perfectionists often “lead a life of continual anxiety and fear of failure.” I’d say we can all agree to say ‘no thanks,’ right? You definitely aren’t alone if you are a perfectionist or have perfectionist tendencies now and then. You’re in good company. Some fellow perfectionists, include: Serena Williams, Martha Stewart, and James Cameron. I suspect you’ll even find a few at your work, school, or in your social group.

What are some signs that you are a perfectionist?

There are many situations in which perfectionism can show up, so I’ve listed some of the most common ones, and especially ones that I have tangled with in my own life.

ALL or nothing attitude This can show up in a number of ways including wanting every detail to be absolutely perfect. Whether it is every word in your paper or blog, the seating assignments at your wedding, or the goody bags for your kid’s 5th birthday party. Conversely, it can also show up in not starting or doing something you know you’d love because you think you couldn’t do it perfectly. ‘Why even try that new barre exercise class when I’m not a seasoned ballerina?’

Micromanaging or having trouble delegating This behavior can be annoying and frankly quite damaging if you are a manager of a team; it’s an ultimate trust buster that’s seen as you can’t trust your team to do their job. It could also be wreaking havoc on your relationship if you are micromanaging your partner or your children. This happens when we are afraid of failure and try to control every aspect or detail in order to get it perfect, but it backfires because it alienates the people you care about and makes them feel like you don’t value or trust them.

Overly detail oriented You might be thinking “wait, what’s wrong with being detail oriented? I thought that it’s a good thing!” You are right, being detail oriented is usually a great thing, if you are a lawyer or project manager. Having great attention to detail is a sign that you know your stuff. In perfectionism, however, if you are being way too focused on every tiny detail, it can backfire in many ways including some mentioned above, especially if it leads you to micromanage.

Procrastination This is one of my personal favorites. If you are struggling to get something perfect, you often avoid doing it so that you don’t have to deal with it. I’m famous for this one. I’ve even made excuses like “I work better under pressure.” And while I am good at thinking on my feet and performing under pressure in most cases, I usually procrastinate because I find myself in a new, uncomfortable space, or I’m afraid that whatever I am working on will not turn out good enough.

Defensiveness Do you welcome constructive criticism and ask for feedback often? If not, you might be avoiding it due to perfectionism. A common sign that you are a perfectionist is that when you receive feedback (of any kind) you get defensive and find the need to justify yourself. Even when given both positive and constructive feedback, perfectionists often focus on the negative parts. So, the next time you find yourself getting feedback, instead of getting defensive, see if you can take the input and find a positive spin.

Abandoned projects or interests This one describes my childhood in a ‘funny not funny’ kind of way. I wanted to do so many things but would find myself quitting the flute after a single lesson, not sticking with color guard, or joining a gym and not ever going again. One of the reasons is that if I didn’t find myself having a natural talent, meaning it was actually challenging or hard, I just abandoned it and quit altogether. Fortunately I learned about grit later in life and realized that most things worth doing take a bit of effort.

Hyper Focus on accomplishments Sure, accomplishments are great, and being recognized for your hard work is both important and empowering, but if you value your worth based on this outwardly value system, you might be setting yourself up for unhappiness. Early in my schooling and career when I would focus on the grade or recognition for a job well done, I started to measure my worth based on the awards, and on whether or not my boss praised me. It actually worked well for many years. Chasing good grades is not a bad effort, it just isn’t great when you are doing it just for the grade and not what the grade represents (knowledge). Your self-esteem can take a nose dive when the anticipated grade or recognition doesn’t come. Many successful people site their resilience and amount of failure as a key to their success. Take Michael Jordan as an example. He’s been quoted many times as saying, “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life, and that’s why I succeed.” If he hadn’t been cut from a basketball team early on in his childhood, he would not have had the drive to pursue and achieve his status as one of the world’s best basketball players of all time. So, how can you leverage your next miss or failure to launch you to the next, even better success?

Inability to celebrate wins The other side of hyper focus on accomplishments is to rarely stop to celebrate or acknowledge the effort or win. Too often it is straight on to the next thing. Another of my trademark moves. It could even be a symptom of Imposter syndrome, where you doubt your own achievements because of an inner lack of worth. I worked with a great coach, Allison Kinnear, who helped me navigate this issue specifically. Taking time to acknowledge your wins is not only a feel good thing to do, it also helps you document your progress and validate your hard work. As those wins add up, you find yourself brave enough to try even bigger and better things. Give it a try!

Self-critical or “should” language Coach Allison, often says, “Stop shoulding all over yourself.” It always makes me laugh, but she has a point. When you use the word should instead of could or want, it has such a negative connotation. By saying “should” you are saying that you are not doing something that you are supposed to be doing. I highly recommend not using ‘should’ at all. You either do or you don’t, there is no ‘should’ about it. Try using the word ‘could’ instead. After all, it’s your choice.

Trouble making decisions If you find yourself having a hard time making decisions, it could be related to perfectionism. This is often associated with a root cause of fear of failure. When you are a perfectionist, every decision could seem like it is way more important than it is and the fear of “getting it wrong” can be overwhelming. Abandoning or quitting (in the form of never starting), is often another effect, especially if you can’t get yourself to make a decision.

Replaying your mistakes You know how when you just made a mistake or had something go wrong and it just plays over and over in your head? You said the wrong thing, or totally blew that presentation. Yeah, that’s normal. Most people do that to a degree. Most people, though, do it for a short period like a few seconds and move on. They learn the lesson and try again, maybe in a new way. Perfectionists, myself included, have a tough time not playing their mistakes on constant repeat like an old record that has a scratch in it. Some of you might not get this reference, and that’s ok. I hear vinyl is still making a comeback. When your negative self-talk stays in a loop and you are just punishing yourself instead of learning what you could do better next time, it’s usually because you are being a perfectionist. Try to catch yourself. I know it’s hard, but flogging yourself won’t help you do better next time. Take your lesson and move on to better and brighter!

You can see that there are many ways that perfectionism can come up in our lives. Did you see yourself in any of the examples above? I personally believe that perfectionism is ultimately rooted in a fear, and often it is fear of failure. Trying to make things perfect provides the illusion that if it is perfect, it can’t possibly fail. Unfortunately, even if perfection was possible, there are no assurances anything will be a success. It is way better to get it to good, get it out there and then work on improving it one iteration at a time.

So what can we do about it?

I’ve found a few sure fire ways that help me overcome perfectionism. I call it the SPA method and you can download a free guide here. I call it that because it’s easy to remember. It doesn’t actually include going for a mani-pedi or massage, though I think you are probably due for one, so go ahead and schedule an appointment anyway. The SPA Method that I am referring to is for when you find yourself stuck, avoiding, or plain suffering from analysis paralysis, and it includes three simple but powerful steps.

1. Self-compassion

Don’t take it from me. Listen to the expert. Kristin Neff, Ph.D., is widely recognized as “one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion.” She has been defining and measuring self-compassion for over a decade. Neff is pioneering research into self-compassion with her research studies. “Using a correlational design, [one of these studies] found that self-compassion had a significant positive association with self-reported measures of happiness, optimism, wisdom, personal initiative, curiosity and exploration,” as well as other positive associations. So try to view your efforts and attempts in a more mindful way by giving yourself self-compassion. If you struggle with this, realize there is a way to learn this skill. Neff even offers classes on self-compassion on her website, if you want to learn more.

2. Permission

I call this Permission therapy, though I think I might have made the term up. What it refers to is giving yourself permission to be imperfect. One method that has helped me is writing myself permission slips. I was introduced to this idea years ago, but did not put it into practice until working with my coach. She encouraged me to write myself permission slips whenever I am facing something out of my comfort zone. For task masters like myself, this seems to really help. I’ve made myself fancy permission slips for larger projects or endeavors (like “I give myself permission to pursue the goal of writing and publishing articles on perfectionism, even though I am not an authority on psychology”); these I tend to like to hang or display if I need them during the project; I sometimes also write small simple permissions on post it notes (like “I give myself permission to speak openly in this meeting”).

3. Action

When you think you might be dealing with perfectionism, there are quick actions you can take to get yourself over the obstacle and on track to get back to what you actually want. Some of my favorite quick actions include:

· Take time to be aware and mindful in stressful situations. Start to recognize the pattern. Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you having a physical reaction to some event? Did you just down a sleeve of cookies because your manager gave you criticism? If so, it’s ok. Awareness is the first step.

· What is one thing that can make you feel better? Some go-to actions that I use are: go for a walk, call or text a friend, ask for help from a mentor, or put in some good music and raise your energy to get yourself unstuck.

The best thing to do when you are dealing with perfectionism is to realize that you are not the only one to go through this. Failure, real or perceived, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome are all real parts of our collective humanity. Look for ways to connect with others who also deal with perfectionism. It is so helpful to learn from others and even more powerful, I think, when you can use your new learned knowledge to help others who are right where you once were. So open yourself to learn and share what you know because you never know who you might help along the way!